Crazy New Behaviors After All These Years? Hope So.
My first thought after I hung up on my husband was “Oh, my!” followed by a whispered F-bomb.
This was a stunningly new behavior for me. Not that I don’t regularly hang up on unsolicited telemarketers. I do.
But never in over 40 years of marriage have I ever hung up on my husband.
Until last Monday.
I recall the exact moment when Herb said something, and I saw red. A bright cherry red. Like a lightning strike, my index finger shot to “End Call.”
It felt good. Really good. I’m pretty certain I would do it again.
Far from high drama, the conversation involved a microwave install. His idea of how that should go versus my idea. When I told my daughter, this disagreement seems lame in the scheme of things. But opinions can be emotional.
Lucy, my 9-year-old granddaughter, overhears, locks eyes with me and says, “Guess he pushed your buttons.” Yep, guess he did and voilà- a brand new bad-ass behavior.
This is not an example of the best of behaviors one might want to try out. (I might end up apologizing.)
However, it does make the point that no matter your age there’s likely a whole new you that you don’t know about. Parts of you to unearth and expose in ways that might bring goodness, joy and that wonderful feel-good feel feeling. Unlike my rude behavior you could choose one that could make another person smile, feel loved and cared about. You could get yourself out of your ordinary life and make way for a fuller and freer life.
The best project you will ever work on is yourself. So, shock yourself. Shock your family and friends. See yourself differently. Switch things up.
Invigorate the magic of living your life. Imagine that!
Great Expectations
Every day we reason logically, solve problems multi-task, and control ourselves in such a way that allows us to often feel we’re doing okay. But this doesn’t make room for being a better you or finding the euphoria of falling in love with life again.
For that we must be deliberate and attentive and flexible. The tradeoff is often found in the space between what is and what could be. In that space is change - making additions, subtractions, loosening, unbolting.
What can you add to the reality of life to go from happy to happier?
What does your inner voice tell you about unlocking your wild heart in a wee wild way?
What undiscovered potential hovers right above who you were, who you are and who you could be?
So much gets in the way of change. You are really busy, other people depend on you, you don’t have the cash, you’re too old, stuck in your ways and nothing Tony Robbins suggests has ever worked for you.
Jerry, a high school sweetheart, now in his mid-70s was married twice – almost three times. He catches me up on his life. “I was a good father. But not a good husband.”
“Do you have the potential to be a good husband?” I ask.
After a moment, he replies. “Yes, and I thought maybe that almost third try was my chance.” Sadly, the woman who wanted to give him that opportunity died suddenly of lung cancer (without ever smoking).
Will Jerry have another chance to unlock the behaviors of a good husband? We don’t know. But he carries within him a belief that he can change. What you believe about yourself creates a lens to your future. And history may define parts of us, but not all of us.
Do you believe in change? I do.
Change is Always Possible
I see change all around me. The woman whose husband walked out after 40 years of marriage goes from a self-doubting whimperer to a confident, assertive woman and along the way finds new love. People who face tremendous hardships reach out to ask for help for the first time in their lives. I watch individuals wrestle with major lifestyle decisions then become flush with self-awareness and decisiveness. I see men and women embark on a new geography of place and love life again.
Potential allows us to function in the world, achieve goals, create connect and define who we are in wonderful ways. No matter how old you are you have potential.
I am curious about who I will be and what I will be doing three years from now. And you? Who will you be? What will you be doing?
While many changes happen organically, we fuel a better life when we consciously find ways to loosen our grip on ordinariness and set off on a different path. Dig a garden, take a course on making your own bug spray, add a daily 2-mile walk, change your mind, get a makeover, paddle a stream, walk out on that person who disrespects you, be nicer, start a new friendship at the dog park. Investigate who you are and talk to yourself. Take a chance, suffer heartbreak, fall down, get up.
People change throughout their lifetime. We never stop. The last third of life is not for developmental downtime.
Now, Never, Maybe?
Of course, you can wait for a sudden awakening to discover your potential if you want. Your choice. Do it. Or you can keep doing you. Your choice. Do it.
While I feel life is for filling the tank with newness not draining it, I’m not a nag. I am not even ending this post with an “act now” message.
But perhaps, just maybe... you could muse for a moment about a teensy-weensy thing you could add to your life. Give one itty, bitty dream a 30-second whirl. Look at yourself in the mirror and fancy the better person you might be.
All the while, I will secretly hope a voice inside you hollers back, “Hell yeah!”
Praise for The 60-Something Crisis: How to Live an Extraordinary Life in Retirement
“It takes courage to approach your life with no limits - and no age limits. As we increasingly lead long and heathy lives. Barbara Pagano’s new book shows us how to renew ourselves with curiosity, self-knowledge and joy. A great read for those who want to make every second of their lie count.”
—Dorie Clark, Author of The Long Game, #3 Wall Street Journal bestseller, and Executive Education Faculty, Duke University Fuqua School of Business
Thank you for taking your time to read and support my work. And to all of you who continue to forward posts. I appreciate that! I invite you to join the conversation. Love to hear what you are thinking. - Barbara
All Photos by B.Pagano