Older? Yes. Resilient? Oh Yeah Baby
All these squalls to which we have been subjected are signs that the weather will soon improve and things will go well for us, because it is not possible for the bad or the good to endure forever, and from this it follows that since the bad has lasted so long, the good is close at hand. -Miguel de Cervantes, Don Quixote
We are not living the lives we want to live. Life is altered.
Staying home is the right thing to do. I can feel positive with new-found hours to reorganize a garage shelf, exercise more than ever and research the best new home for ball gowns in my closet that I don’t use anymore.
Mostly though I’m not ultra-happy. Life is not great. My husband can drive me crazy even before this exile lifestyle. And when The Derby is canceled for the first time in 75 years, well … I’m a Kentucky girl so I’m glum.
I can choose to play havoc with myself - zoom into concern and despair easily - if I stare at that graph showing a tumbling stock market.
Let’s face it. Life has dealt us a bad hand.
But you know, I’ve had lousy events happen to me before. So have you.
Long before the coronavirus, we suffered experiences – big and small - fraught with frustration, disappointment, sadness, loss and hopelessness. We had little or no control; we worried about the future.
We wasted a lot of time.
The Rule of Life. Outlive Bad Stuff.
Misfortunes can make us strong. I know this to be true.
I survived my misfortunes and I learned from each one. I bounced back. Life got good again. Often life even got better than I could ever have imagined.
Sometimes we don’t really know ourselves until something bad happens. Hard luck, adversity, trials and tribulations come our way. It’s a mess. We survive. This is good because overcoming setbacks makes you resilient.
I wasn’t born resilient. No one is. You learn it. You develop it and if you’ve lived even a couple of decades, you’ve got it.
And I am now, after seven decades, more resilient than ever.
And so are you.
Troubled Times
It hasn’t taken me long to recall several trying times in my life. While my vignettes pale in comparison to sufferings of life and death, they are real, and they are mine. You have yours; I have mine.
These remembered times were troublesome, problematic and in some case, painful for me. In revisiting them, the emotions I felt at the time can flood my heart.
Why revisit troubles? Because what I learned from each one either gave me a tool or fortified a mighty bastion of my knowing that I am strong. In these current circumstances, I need to remember this.
Here are several moments of my misery…and what I learned.
Crossing the Gulf Stream with my daughter, Elizabeth, as we navigate (or learn to navigate), a 42-foot sailboat south toward the Bahamas was cause for celebration. It was a short celebration. A day later bad weather stuck us in Frazier’s Hog Cay, a small anchorage surrounded by uninhabited islands. Five days later we are running out of water, the stove leaks propane and we have power problems that means running the engines constantly.
The winds howl and the rains come down from every direction. Below in small cabins, the portholes leak. We read and read and read. Early each morning Elizabeth dons foul weather gear, goes top side and strings up a make-shift antennae to pick up two or three weather reports.
Might we have a chance to clear the narrow exit at high tide and leave for Nassau 39 nautical miles away? No go. The seas are high; the winds too strong.
And so each morning we head to our respective cabins and often slam the door. Not with anger toward each other, but in despair. The monotonous drone of the engine; we can’t get outside; it’s almost Christmas; we miss family. We are miserable.
What I learned: I learn that there is a higher power. Whoever oversees the weather also moves in and out of my life. Call this what you want. I believe in me but I also believe in something bigger than me. This unseen power is bigger than my power and often, I simply surrender.
I’m 25, happy to be pregnant and ready to deliver on the given “due date.” The baby does not care about the due date. Now whoever made the mistake, I do not know. But instead of my gorgeous daughter arriving on her March 12th arrival day, she arrives on April 12th - one month late. That month of my life is wretched.
I cry almost every day. I whine. (Why me?) People stop calling. My sister comes to cheer me. When she arrives with a basket of flowers. I sob. Watching the Academy Awards, I weep during every acceptance speech.
What I learned: I learn crying does little good and whining doesn’t help at all. I cry when it matters. But I don’t tend to cry in just a tough situation.
Dissolving a marriage that needs to end, takes me two and a half years. I am a schoolteacher who will be a single mom. Money matters. Most important, I am making a decision that has consequences for my daughter. I am scared.
Fighting hard is stressful and my confidence shakes. I lose on the money front.
What I learned: I learn to trust myself. My intuition told me this was the right and best thing for me and for my daughter. My intuition was right.
Hurricane Ivan takes away a lot of what is dear to me. I wish I had not left my grandmother’s quilts under the bed downstairs where saltwater destroys them. Although I have a structure left, I will be homeless for 2.5 years living with different sets of people. Imagine this.
Future finances are a big worry. How much out-of-pocket will it cost us in the rebuild? It will cost a lot. I hear the town’s train at night and feel lonely.
What I learned: I learn people are generous and kind. People will help you. I learn there is goodness in the world. I also learn that the only thing that really matters is not the future, but rather the single moment in which I live.
Resilient people don’t make the same mistake twice. I took something away from each situation and locked it into my toolbox. I can deploy these at a moment’s notice.
Your past miseries taught you lessons. One of the keys to resilience is self-awareness. In the midst of this maddening time we can learn more about ourselves – who we are and how we are more courageous than we know.
Yet to Come
We’re going to get through this. The tougher the situation the tougher we can become.
Harness tools from past misfortunes.
Resilience? You got that down. Oh yeah baby.
Godspeed us all through this crisis.
And , if you know someone who can use a gorgeous ball gown, let me know.